Fuck, I knew something was going on. It's April the 13th and my parents weren't home. This normally wouldn't be a problem -- now that I was 19 they had given me their car for traveling to my job everyday. But this was odd. It's my mothers birthday, and she always napped all day on her birthday. Always. Now she wasn't here, and I was worried about what was going on. But I'm not the man to sweat the small stuff... I just unpacked my bag, headed downstairs to my dungeon, intent on starting my first Epic Fail Guy thread in months. But as I closed the door behind me, I suddenly realized exactly where my mother was -- and exactly what was flashing up on my desktop.
"David..." my mother whispered coldly, holding back her tears. I averted my gaze to the screen. Up there, in its fullscreen glory, was my fap folder. I understood then what had happened. My mother had come home and, since her computer was messing up at the time, decided to use mine for her email. But I had left it on that morning, and forgot to shut down after sharing some intimate time with my hand. I looked closer at the screen for a few moments -- apparently, my mother had happened upon the scat section. I swear I'm not into that stuff... I just keep it for posting in newfag threads to scare off the underage /b/s enough so that they will never return. But I couldn't explain that to my mother. No, this was some fucking epic shit I just got myself into.
"Mum, it's not what it looks like..." She looked up at me, tear droplets sliding down her face. "I.. I didn't know you were into this stuff." I looked down at my feet, knowing full well this is where my life living at my parents house will have to end. She continued talking. "Dave... You... How long have you been hiding this from me?" I looked up. "I don't know where this stuff came from, mum! It must be a virus trying to infiltrate my compu--" She gave me a cold, dark stare that, strangely enough, didn't really bother me. I hadn't expected my mother to buy that story. "David, don't lie to me. This is horrible... disgusting... what you've been doing without me knowing... blah blah blah." I just stood there, trying to conjure up a believable lie on the spot that would cover me. But it didn't work. I had nearly given up and ready to leave the room, when my mother opened up something else.
"Whats this?" she said, regaining much of her strength and wiping away some of the tears. I peered over. Oh great, she'd found my /b/ folder. Half the shit in there she won't get, anyway. Good enough. "Pedo... Bear? I... I can get help for you Dave... If your a pedophile I can get help for you--" This alerted me. "What? No! Mum, thats just a... a joke, thingy, sort of. Don't worry about it."
She continued scrolling down. "Epic.. Fail Guy?" This puzzled her for half a second before she gave up and moved on. "Wait... Whats this?" she said. I looked over, one more time. Oh Christ. Jesus. Fuck. No. No. No. Anything but that.
It gleamed across the screen, staring at me while my mother still tried to comprehend it. There, in all it's glory, was the one and only CandleJa- well, you know who. But my mother didn't. I prayed she wouldn't utter the words, those terrible words..
"Mum, move on please. It's just a little children's cartoon..." She stood still. "Okay Dave, but you know I was around when this thing was still on TV. It's CandleJack, right?"...
All of my worst fears had come true. Before I could pick my mother up, before I could run as far away as possible... I heard a distant rumbling. The room started to shake violently. Was this a dream? It had to be. I pinched myself, but this seemed to only making the rumbling worse. My mothers face indicated she was clearly horrified, she jumped up and grabbed me, whispering "Honey, I want you to know I love you and I forgive you for whatever you have saved onto your--"
And there he stood. Outside my bedroom window. Smiling at both of us. He pierced the glass and walked through. My mother held me tightly. He stretched out a long, spiraling finger, and pointed at my mother. Without thinking, I screamed "No! CandleJack--" and then I realized my mistake. Now, he outstretched is other finger and pointed at me. I turned to my mother, who had passed out on the ground. I turned to run, but before I knew it darkness surrounded the room, and I passed out, as well. The last I saw was his white, gleaming figure looming over our bodies.
A bright light surrounded me. Thank god, I was awake. That was all a dream. I opened my eyes. Fuck. I wasn't in my bed, I was in a strange chamber. Oh well, guess I was still stuck inside this incredible vivid nightmare. I looked to my left, and saw my mother, who had her eyes closed and was praying. I was never the religious type, but I wished I was now... Just to have some hope...
The white, smiling figure strode across the room. As my eyes followed him, I noticed that thousands of people hung surrounding the walls of this chamber... Men, women, and children all guilty of muttering the name of this demonic beast. I tried to untangle myself, but it was no use. To my right hung a guy who, strangely enough, was wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. Ahh, must be a /b/tard. I whispered to him, "The Game." He turned to me, and simply replied with, "Fuck it, I lost." So he definitely was a /b/tard. In fact, many people, including (to my dismay) some of the children, all said, "I lost it," or some variation. At this exact time, a revelation it me. I might just still be able to get out of this place.
I turned to my right and saw my friend again. "Hey, anon. I think we have a chance to get out of here". He turned to me. "Don't even try. I've tried many times, and all that ends up happening is him finding me again. It won't work. Trust me." I guess he'd have to take some convincing. "Well, I've got a plan that will surely get us out. You'd just have to trust ME." I couldn't see his face, but something told me he understood. He took out his phone, and being an anon, it was the newest model. Complete with internet connection and a keypad, both of which we will use. "Pass it to me," I said. He handed it over. I turned the browser to /b/, and started a new thread. I navigated to his /b/ folder and took out a picture of our kidnapper. I typed in something along the lines of "Hey everyo--" and left it at that. I clicked submit, and handed him back his phone. "What did you do?" he questioned. "You'll see," I said reassuringly.
Sure enough, moments later hundreds of voices filled the room, uttering the name that got us here in the first place. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the white figure flee. This was our chance! I turned to my mother. "Mum! Quick, listen!" She opened her eyes and, still not forgetting our little ordeal back at our house, said angrily "What!?" I shouted back, "Do you still have that book I gave you for your birthday?" She fished around in her purse and retrieved it. I opened it up, and sure enough, there was my Swiss army knife enclosed inside. She looked at me with shock, and I lazily replied, "Hey, had to hide it somewhere." I took it out, and managed to hand it back to my new friend, who proceeded to tear away at the weak vines holding us to the wall. It worked in a matter of seconds. He then cut down me and my mother. All three of us dropped down.
I heard a small voice come from the other side of the chamber. "Hey, what about us?" The next stage in my plan was now underway. I ran across and yanked the little kid out. "Right, undress." He looked at me with shock, along with the rest of the room. I immediately heard some zippers unzipping in the back row. "Just down to your underwear. Trust me." Looking up occasionally, he undid himself down to his underwear. My friend turned to me. "I know what your doing, mate, and it won't work. Pedobear goes for little girls. You'll just summon Shotacat." Without moving my gaze I called back "You idiot, pedo doesn't mean only loli, pedo means all underaged." I heard some people agreeing with me from around the room. The anon wasn't about to get into a debate, so he stood back.
I looked at the little kid. "Right, bend over and close your eyes." He did just that. Next, I shouted "Gee, I hope somebody will come and take my kid to his soccer game! I have run out of petrol!" It was rather sad to hear the shouting and screaming from the back row of the chamber, trying to untangle themselves, but that soon died down, and all went quiet. The little boy was sweating violently. And then, we all heared it. An incredible growling sound echoed from the back of the chamber, out of the same door Candle-you-know-who left. Then, the heavenly creature entered the room. Pedobear, in all his glory, had come to snatch the young child. As he walked up, some cheered. Some screamed, and then realized who it was and cheered. Just as Pedobear was within reaching length of the kid, I grabbed the boy and stared at the bear. "You can have him, but you have to do something for us first." The little kid was obviously at objection, but played along for the time being. Pedobear raised his eyebrow, and suddenly I heard a voice in my head. "Okay, what is it?" So that is how he talked. I replied to him, "Call all the memes. Everyone. We need to take down Candle-you-know-who right now. This is our chance. Are you in?" Pedo Bear nodded enthusiastically.
Loud stomping filled the room. Everyone cheered as the first meme entered the room. Longcat strode across, and it was about 5 minutes before his tail caught up. Happy Negro walked in next. Then came Vegeta, next Mudkips (further unzipping sounds were heard) and even Cock Mongler joined the gang. Raptor Jesus came next, with the Card Crusher, Hypnotoad and a giant blackboard with simply the words "The Game" printed out on it (I made sure to shout out, "Don't worry! It hasn't been half an hour yet!"). More and more followed. When supposedly the last one, slowpoke, arrived, I turned to Pedo Bear and got ready to organize my army. The friendly anon poked me. "Dude, wheres epic fail guy?" Shit! How could I forget him? Pedo Bear shrugged, and I realized something rather epic would have to happen to attract him.
But luck was on my side. My friend passed me again his phone when I signaled for it, and I loaded /b/ up. The plan was to get a GET so close that it would have to be a fail. After taking a picture of Slowpoke with the camera on the guys phone, I began scouring /b/ for any possible GETs. Next, I noticed it was close to the 62600000 landmark. I timed myself perfectly, and hit submit (along with Slowpoke's picture) just at the right time. When I refreshed, I realized to all my horror that I had actually achieved the GET I set out to fail. This was an incredible win! I started whimpering. My friend retrieved his phone and started patting me on the back. "Ahh well, guess EFG will have to be left out of this one." But then it hit me. I set out to fail, and I won. That means I failed at failing. Could that be a double negative, implying I failed? Probably not. Who was I kiddi...
And then I heard it. The crowed in the chamber cheered, louder than they ever did before. The one and only Epic Fail Guy strode in, and stood before me. He then tripped over, and smacked head bang into the little kid, causing them both to get knocked out. "Yeah, thats our Epic Fail Guy!" I smiled. Then I suddenly remembered. What the hell was happening? We had a plan to do! We had to defeat CandleJa- err, that horrible guy. I jumped up to the top of a suspended beam.
My eyes scanned the entire room. Meme\s all stood in the center, with people from all cultures and age groups hung up on the walls. "Now, I'm not normally the one for speeches," I bellowed. "But I think it's high time we took these fucking fake memes down!" I heared cheering come from all angles. I hushed the crowed down. "We did it with WHEN I WAS. We did it with Milhouse. Now it's fucking time we took down the worst meme of them all. Who's with me?" Everyone cheered again.
When the cheering stopped, I turned to Pedo Bear. "You know what to do once he gets here, don't you?" The huge bear nodded. I bellowed to the crowed, "It's every man for themselves once he arrives. Get out of here. I'm not sure where this chamber is, but you'll all have to find your ways back home. Clear?" Most of the crowed shouted back in agreement. Now was the time. I turned to my mother, who had passed out some time ago. Then I looked at my friend. He nodded. "Do it for the Lulz, brother. The Lulz." I nodded. "For the Lulz."
I stood up as high as my legs could take me. I took in much oxygen. Then, I screamed with all my might,"CANDLEJACK!!!"
And with that, he entered the room, and all the memes lunged at him, ready to kill him once and fo
Subject: MY FAVORITE COPYPASTA (tl;dr warning) 
Wed Jul 22, 2009 10:19 am
