My story, no name, will add more chapters.... Please read

Anyone who wants a .txt or a .doc copy, I will send a link... PM me if you want in the story XD

Chapter I

We start our adventure in the Kanto region.... Our hero, Bryant, had to move to the region of Torocko.... This region was newly discovered, and his mother, Crystal, being an expert on new Pokémon, elected to move from their pleasant little town called Pallet Town..... This set back Bryant, and his friends’ journey...
After being gone for 4 years, he had matured so greatly, and his mother allowed him to move back to their old house in Pallet Town, where he met up with his old friends Chris, John, and Kevin..... “Dude, glad to see you.... We waited for you man,” were Chris’s first words....
“Glad to see all of you too,” replied Bryant. His voice had changed so much since he left to Torocko at the age of 11.... So had his hair, which used to be in a short military style cut. Now was long, and no longer curly. He had dyed it black fading to blue tips, and had it down preventing anyone from seeing his left eye: however, his right eye was still visible.
Kevin had not changed that much, he had grown about six inches, and his voice had changed very little, john had not altered as much either....
Chris, on the other hand, he used to have an afro, but now his hair was is braids, and he no longer had glasses, as they have been replaced contacts....
“So, how was it?” asked John. “Yeah,” Kevin added excitedly, “Did you see any new Pokémon?”
“Yeah assface, tell us.”
Bryant knew that voice all to well, it was a dark, evil hateful, voice..... Gary....
“Must you be a jerk to me still? I have never done anything to you in my life, and no, I did not see any new Pokémon.... Although, my mother captured a few, and she gets to name them after she studies them more....”
“Fuckin’ sweet!” exclaimed Chris, “Are you gonna get any?”
“I dun---“
Bryant’s Pokégear rang, “Hello, glad to hear your back,” it was Professor Oak. “Glad to be back,” replied Bryant. “I need all of you to come to the lab please,” Oak said importantly. “On our way,” Bryant replied confidently.

Nice story so far, Bryant.
There are a couple of things I would suggest, if you don't mind me sounding like an english teacher.
- Firstly, short sentences are always effective, especially when you are explaining personas and characteristics or building suspense. Your sentences are quite long, and you have quite a few commas in each sentence.
- Expanded vocabulary is fantastic, although, be sure not to overdo it, as it makes most readers believe you live your life on the thesaurus.
Now, a note on the use of a thesaurus, and explanded vocabulary: Use only words you know in your head whilst writing. If you are continuously using the same word, this, I believe, is the ideal time to use a thesaurus.
- '“Yeah,” Kevin added excitedly, “Did you see any new Pokémon?”' In this phrase and several others, you have overused capital letters. Now, this is my weak point, I always make a mistake. Although, in this situation, all you have to remember is basic punctuation; you have used commas throughout this sentence, so therefore you do not need a capital at the beginning of the continuation of the speech.
Hope this helps...^^

DAN NERD'D ME OUT ABOUT MY STORY, TOO.
XDDDDDDDDDDD
YOU'RE NOT ALONE!
Although, it's helpful advice.
XD

Lulz...xD
Hope you don't mind...=S

Danbull! wrote:: Nice story so far, Bryant.
There are a couple of things I would suggest, if you don't mind me sounding like an english teacher.
- Firstly, short sentences are always effective, especially when you are explaining personas and characteristics or building suspense. Your sentences are quite long, and you have quite a few commas in each sentence.
- Expanded vocabulary is fantastic, although, be sure not to overdo it, as it makes most readers believe you live your life on the thesaurus.
Now, a note on the use of a thesaurus, and explanded vocabulary: Use only words you know in your head whilst writing. If you are continuously using the same word, this, I believe, is the ideal time to use a thesaurus.
- '“Yeah,” Kevin added excitedly, “Did you see any new Pokémon?”' In this phrase and several others, you have overused capital letters. Now, this is my weak point, I always make a mistake. Although, in this situation, all you have to remember is basic punctuation; you have used commas throughout this sentence, so therefore you do not need a capital at the beginning of the continuation of the speech.
Hope this helps...^^

LOL, and sorry I haven't been working on this or anything, but the part where you said

Quote :: - '“Yeah,” Kevin added excitedly, “Did you see any new Pokémon?”' In this phrase and several others, you have overused capital letters. Now, this is my weak point, I always make a mistake. Although, in this situation, all you have to remember is basic punctuation; you have used commas throughout this sentence, so therefore you do not need a capital at the beginning of the continuation of the speech.

That was together, but if it were said it would be Yeah. Did you see any new Pokemon? Therefore the capitalization was correct, also every word I use is from my head. I have never owned, nor used a thesaurus xDDDDDDD

» Umm... Story of introduction?
» Hallow's story.
» SILVER WROTE A STORY PLZ. :D (CRITIQUE IT YAY)
» the best fic you'll ever read
» Maple Story is 3 years old =x