TESY WANTS CRITIQUE?

Guest

Forgive the format. D: it's a very short story.

Four Walls

Two gunshots is all she hears before something hits her on the

base of her skull – and when she wakes up, she finds herself in a

small, unfamiliar room with four walls that may have been white

at one point, but are now just yellowish and peeling. There

aren’t any windows – just two slits in the wall where feeble rays

of the sun attempt to shine through – and they’re too high up for

her to reach, and even if she could reach them she figures she

could probably only slide the tips of her fingers through, at the

most. The door has no handle, and there are no cracks for her to

slip her fingers in and try to pry it open, and she finds all she can

do is pound at the door and scream and yell so when she tires of

that, she sits in the corner of the room with her knees drawn up

and scrunches up her face, willing the tears to come – tears of

anger, frustration, fear (did the two gunshots that she vaguely

remembers in her somewhat fuzzy memory of her last moments

of consciousness signal the end of their lives?) – but they fail to

come. There’s a pain in her chest, and she has trouble

breathing, and she desperately wants to wail and sob and weep

and cry, but her eyes stay spitefully dry. It isn’t until years after

the pain dulls, when her face is gaunt and jaundiced from lack of

sun and proper nutrition, when she barely has the strength to

stand, and when her mind is hazy and she can’t seem to

remember anything beyond the small, familiar room with four

walls that may have been white at one point, but are now just

yellowish and peeling that the tears come, and when they do,

she isn’t quite sure why she’s crying, but regardless, she

continues to do so. And even as she falls asleep, the tears

continue to fall.

Subject: Re: TESY WANTS CRITIQUE? Tue May 20, 2008 12:50 pm

Very nice story, Teslyn. Great use of vocabulary and choice of words.
There is one thing I will suggest, however, is that you read your story aloud, taking into consideration the punctuation. Rather than using words to join two sentences together (such as 'so'), or commas, I suggest you use short sentences more often.
Hope that helps...:)

Guest

THANKS.
Hm - I'm shooting for a child-like and broken up kind of thing, where the fact that the girl is going insane/insane is quite obvious. Do you think short sentences or run-on sentences connected by and are best?

Subject: Re: TESY WANTS CRITIQUE? Wed May 21, 2008 7:16 pm

If it is a sentence that is quite specifically showing her growing insanity, run-on sentences are better, but try not to go overboard by having a six-line sentence. For the sentences that do not have a direct link to her insanity, ie, describing the area, cut them short, and make an effect on the reader that will last.

Guest

mmtay, thankees.

Subject: Re: TESY WANTS CRITIQUE? Thu May 22, 2008 7:47 am

No problems...:)

Subject: Re: TESY WANTS CRITIQUE? Fri Jan 09, 2009 6:13 am

TL;D....WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?

» SILVER WROTE A STORY PLZ. :D (CRITIQUE IT YAY)