DANNEE'S TURN. x)

Here is one of my short stories.
__________________________________________________
A Watery Panic
As the tall and thin boy stood on the rock platform, his long black hair rustled in the breeze. Looking into the deep-blue water, he reconsidered jumping in. The wind was getting cold and he expected the water to be freezing. Dipping his large toe into the water, the ripples around it danced gracefully. Immediately, he felt a sensation like that of the first bite of an ice-cream on a hot day - the water was warm. A large gust of bitter cold air hit him and he made his final decision. The boy jumped as if he were an Olympic hurdler, exploding into the water. He returned back to the surface and allowed the air to rush into his lungs. The boy span around and dove down.

Enjoying himself thoroughly, he continued diving downwards, realising too late it had been foolish as to go so deep. Turning around swiftly, he began to return to the surface. A large silhouette caught his eye, already his lungs were tingling. Not allowing himself to be distracted, he allowed the water to take him up to the surface. He felt a sense of relief as his struggling lungs filled with volumes of air at the ocean’s surface.

The boy floated for a moment, allowing his lungs to take the salty air and spray, before returning underwater, searching for the silhouette that had caught his eye beforehand. Diving back down, his eyes slowly adjusted to the watery darkness. Searching in the same position, the boy couldn’t find it anywhere. Spinning around and becoming dizzy with the speed, he saw the shadow once again - it had moved and was closer to him. The boy panicked. He thrashed around like a fish out of water and attempted to climb back up to the surface of the rock platform, the silhouette was getting closer to him. Cutting his hands and legs, he continued to claw at the rocks. For the first moment since he saw the shadow, he thought rationally. He swam away from the rocks and returned to the water’s surface.

He took a deep breath and tried to think logically. The boy looked up at the towering high pile of rocks, and couldn’t see a way up. The only way to survive was to stay out of its sight. He returned underwater, searching for the elusive animal whilst floating motionlessly. Turning his head slowly, he saw the figure once again - headed straight for him. He leapt like a dolphin out of the water, aiming for the platform. Missing painfully, he hit his chest on the rocks. As he splashed back into the water, the fuzzy shadow was close enough to recognize.

The shadow which had terrified him so, had made his heart pound almost out of his chest; was a sea turtle.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Please comment, and give me advice if you think I need it...8D

This is pretty good <3
The suspense level is perfect...
the only thing I suggest is that maybe you should add a little more to the setting? At first I thought he was swimming in a pond, but the there was the Sea turtle...
But that's just me and my mental retardations x3

BUT IT'S REALLY GOOD.
8DDDD
FER SHER.

xDDDDDDD
Thanks...x)
It was for a competition, and I'm practically on the word limit, which is why I left out some of the detail. I wanted to focus more on the boy's fear, other than how beautiful the scene was...xD
Thanks for your comments...:D

Nice =D

A little late on comment? =x

OKAIZ, NOO STOREE.
I'll add new chapters whenever I get a chance...^^
If you are confused by stories that continuously switch back and forward through time in different chapters, maybe this isn't the story for you...^^

The Repetitive Doom

Chapter I - A Last Hope
Dusting away the top layer of icy cold snow, the slim, black haired man finally reached the chest; the one he had hidden twelve years ago. Grasping the handle firmly in his hand, he yanked his arm towards himself, trying to pry the solid box open. The box's lid was clamped shut well, and upon pulling the handle powerfully, the man felt the snow hit the back of his head. He had fallen over. Looking at the box in dismay, he tried to focus his head, pushing out the ache he was feeling.
"Come on, Ed. It's the only way to reverse it all; let all decisions start again." Ed was talking to himself, attempting to remind himself of the importance of his mission.
Getting up slowly, he looked at the half-submerged wooden box sitting in front of him. For a few seconds, he considered getting up and running, saving himself and screwing everyone else over. No. He wasn't that kind of person.
"This is for Mary..." Commented Ed, wiping a watery tear from his left eye.
Pushing himself up fully, he rushed to the box and continued digging. For the first time, Ed could see the ornate features of the box; the exact features he had seen twelve years before all hell broke loose. The continuous carvings of mythical creatures - griffins, pegasus' and elves - on the wooden body, the pouncing silver tiger protuding out from the top of the lid, and also the solid gold hinges and nails. It was for the first time that Ed saw why he had struggled to open the box - he had forgotten the secret lock he had installed on the inside of the chest. Its design was unbelievable - a collapsable bottom, allowing entry at all times. "Damn. I wish I actually made this thing."
Tilting the box to its side, Ed clicked the locking mechanisms from the base, and the bottom fell off completely.
Everything was black. Everything. There was nothing he could do now, he had opened the box - he had began the inevitable. Again.


Chapter II - The Beginning
Bang. Opening his eyes forcefully, Ed groaned in pain as the powerful amounts of light hit him instantly. He shut his eyes immediately, unable to deal with the pain he was feeling in the back of his eyes. After clearing his head, Ed opened his eyes again. His surroundings were blocked by a shrill white light, emanating from the dull light fixtures above him. As his pupils began to shrink to adjust to the light, the world around him came into focus. The four different coloured walls was the first thing Ed noticed. The room was fully viewable now - well, what was left of it. The room had obviously been abandoned long ago, the mouldy walls and dilapidation of the whole room pointing that out. It was now that Ed felt well enough to get up. Fighting the dizziness, he moved his legs, and used his muscles to push himself up. Ed began to walk, his legs collapsing under him on the third step. Forcing his fragile muscles to work with his willpower, he got up once again. This time, he was able to balance his weight on his legs. Taking a look around the room, he noticed a desk - one of those fancy ones you would expect to find in a CEO's office, and a mouldy door. The desk was champagne coloured, with a silver table-top.
"Ugh, my head. I can't think. Where am I?" Ed was speaking to himself, eyeing off the door. "I gotta get out of here."
Shaking with every step, he waddled towards the door. He put his hand on the doorknob and the door creaked. As if by magic, the door completely fell off its hinges, causing a cloud of dust to appear. Ed was stifled by the dust storm, and continuously coughed hoarsely. As the dust cleared, one thing in particular caught Ed's eye - an oak chest, decorated with a pouncing silver tiger on the top...


Chapter III - Five Years Earlier
A young, handsome man sat in an expensive leather chair, staring at the notes on his champagne and silver desk thoughtfully. He glanced up suddenly to see an elderly man at the front of his desk, looking at him sternly.
"Oh, I'm sorry, can I help you?" The man at the desk spoke first, attempting to apologise for ignoring the man.
"Oh, no. I was just standing here, enjoying the scenery." Said the man sarcasticly, staring out of the large window.
The man turned his head to face the window. The glass was so clean that you could almost walk straight into it. He looked down, and remembered that he was sixty-five floors up. It was a moment before he realised that the old man was still staring at him angrily.
"Yes, I'm very sorry about that. I have so much paperwork to get through, I --."
"Ed Thompson?" The old man interrupted rudely.
"Yes. May I help you?"
"If you're done day-dreaming, yes. My name's Arthur Marrason, and I'm a small time inventor."
Ed was fed up with this man's attitude, and replied sternly, "What are you telling me for?"
"Woah, woah, woah! There's no reason to talk to me like that! I'm trying to offer you a machine I've invented that'll make your job a whole lot easier."
Ed looked at the man with confusion, attempting to figure out his intentions. He had seen a lot of scams in his short lifetime, but this guy just didn't seem the type.
"I'm listening."
"What more is there to tell?" Arthur was playing with him now - attempting to discover whether Ed was truly interested, or just simply figuring out his idea to copy it himself.
"Well, what does it do?"
Arthur smirked, and for a moment, Ed saw a flash of fear in his eyes. He placed a business card face down on the desk, nodded to Ed, and then left the room. Ed lifted up the business card to find that it was hand written:
Arthur Marrason
'You will find me if you know what's good for you.'

"What the hell? This guy's even more delusional than I thought."
There was a creak, and the door at the end of the room opened. Looking across the office, Ed commented under his breath that the door was like a thousand kilometres away. A dark-skinned, young woman entered the door. Ed sighed, he had always liked Selena more than a friend.
"Hey, Hun. Who was that guy? He came up to my desk and asked for you, and when I asked his name he just said he'd find his own way around." Selena spoke with a high-pitched, soothing voice, and was Ed's assistant.
"His name was Arthur, and I have no idea what he was happening. Some psycho, I wouldn't worry too much about him."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. Oh, hey, your brother called for you."
"Which one, the one that just grunts, or the one that talks too much?"
Selena giggled, and Ed smiled.
"The talker."
Selena looked at Ed, and blushed. Bang. Crash.
Before Ed could figure out what had happened, Selena was on the floor, grasping her stomach tightly.
______________________________________________________________________________________________

Whaddya think?

ISWONDURFULL.
-applause-

Lulz.
Tanks, Alleh...=D

New chapter added...:)
Please comment and give constructive/destructive criticism...xD

Read muine.
8D

Which?

The Marshington School.
8D

I did...8D
Pretty good, ADD MORE.
xD

"His surroundings were blocked by a shrill white light,"


I would not describe lights as shrill. Blinding or harsh, maybe. o3o

BUT YEAH.
IS GUD.
8D

I wouldn't either, buuuuuut:
dictionary.reference.com/browse/shrill

Uncle Chopper wrote:

I wouldn't either, buuuuuut:
dictionary.reference.com/browse/shrill

o3o
Yes, but it's not commonly used, that's the point I'm trying to make. 8U

Meh. I'll change it later...xD
-Lazy'd-

...
RAMBO!

Okay, I know I'm like way late, but in the first one you overused the word "silhouette"

I was like, "Oh, awesome, you hardly ever hear that word in a story," but you overused it... Altogether a great one... Now time to read the others xDD

The second one is great too, but if you ever wanted it published, then the reader must have a very intellectual system of thinking in order to understand it xDD

I love stories out of chronology.

TL;DR LOLOOLL

LOLOL, YOU'RE A DICKHEAD.